By Nick Nunn
A stereotype about British cooking spreads the belief that their food is often boiled, bland, or otherwise unappetizing, but rarely does one hear that it can also be deadly.
But Margaret Goodwin, 66, of Henley-on-Thames, UK, recently had an experience to support theories that the British are preparing new ways to wage culinary warfare on the rest of the civilized world.
Goodwin, who may or may not be a member of MI6 working in close conjunction with Special Agent 007 himself, received a jar of what simply appeared to be rhubarb chutney from an undisclosed source and placed it in the most secure, top-secret location in her house: the fridge.
Hours later, the chemical compound in the jar began the fermentation process, creating enough methane gas to remove the door from its hinges, install it on the opposing wall, and lift the ceiling temporarily, leaving cracks in the walls of the house, the living room, and the porch.
Hmm… You’d think that the British would have had enough experience with fermentation by now to know better, but I guess not.
Apparently, this wasn’t Q Branch’s only batch of the explosive topping, and other recipients have been warned to remove the possibly deadly concoction from their homes immediately.
Before performing initial inspections, the authorities assumed that the damage to Goodwin’s home was caused by a gas main explosion, but Goodwin reported that she has nothing in the building was powered by gas.
Goodwin was relieved to escape what was possibly the tastiest assassination attempt since Alan Turing knocked himself off with a poisoned apple.
(Yeah, that’s for real and not a fairy tale. Look it up.)
Describing her narrow escape from death to London’s The Daily Telegraph, Goodwin said, “If I had been standing in the way, it would probably have killed me. You wouldn’t think a little jar of rhubarb chutney could cause so much devastation.”
Take note, FDA: rhubarb needs to be investigated as a health threat to the general population.