Nick Nunn

Nick Nunn

By Nick Nunn

If you were going to ride a horse 600 miles to your brother’s wedding, what would you pack to take along on the horse?

Water? Food? Toiletries? A map? Money?

Patrick Neal Schumacher, 45, apparently decided that none of these things were essential for a 600-horse ride.

When Schumacher was arrested in Boulder, Co., on charges of animal cruelty, prohibited use of weapons, riding a horse while under the influence of alcohol and reckless endangerment, riding his horse on a main road with some 60 miles of his 600-mile trip already complete, he had none of these things.

What did he think to bring along instead? I’ll tell you.

A small, black powder pistol, some cans of beer and a pug.

Yes, a pug. A little dog named Bufford.

Reports state that Schumacher was striking his horse, Dillon, while the horse was wandering in and out of traffic, but Schumacher explained that he was only trying to swat flies off of the horse’s head.

The Drunken Cowboy was on the way to Utah to attend his brother’s wedding, but was not able to travel by more modern means because – get this – he had previously lost his license.

Hmm… I can’t imagine why someone who would get drunk and try to beat their horse into a 600-mile journey shouldn’t have a license.

That’s exactly the kind of person I want to share a road with.

Heck, give him an RV so he can take up as much of the pavement as possible.

After all, what is a horse but an RV on legs? I’m just saying.