Here’s something interesting: there is a little patch of land between Egypt and the Sudan – get out your globe – called Bir Tawil. Bir Tawil is a mountainous region about 800 square miles in area that is not currently under the claim of any recognized country in the world. (If the Indiana Jones part of your brain didn’t just fire up, there is a good chance that you are too old.) According to the Associated Press, Bir Tawil may be the only unclaimed patch of solid earth left on this big rock, and, apparently, it has remained that way because two conflicting treaties from 1899 and 1903 grant either Egypt or Sudan title to BIr Tawil and gives the other ownership of a spot called Halai’b. Halai’b must be a whole lot like the Garden of Eden because, for over a century, both countries have lined up behind the treaty naming themselves the rightful owner of Halai’b, leaving poor Bir Tawil unclaimed by either nation for generations. Flash forward to 2014 – when getting the new iPhone is this century’s idea of a hot time instead of taking over the world – where we find the last adventurous soul left in the world Jeremiah Heaton of Abingdon, Vir., trying to find a way to make his daughter into a princess. Heaton hops on the ever-friendly internet, hoping to make his daughter a “real” princess and finds out about Bir Tawil, just as we have today. Anyway, Heaton must have thought to himself, “I know. I’ll just run over there and claim it for myself, and then everyone will have to acknowledge that my daughter is a true princess,” because that’s exactly what he did, and now he is attempting to be recognized by Egypt and Sudan He has already started planning developments for his new nation. Something just occurred to me. This man Heaton is attempting to defect from the United States of America. He is also attempting to have an official royal title affixed to both himself and his family.

(I’m pretty sure there is something in the Constitution about that.) Only two things can come of this. Either Egypt and Sudan realize that they both want Bir Tawil now that someone else has come along to play with their toys so they start a war between themselves, or they recognize this move as the last stab of American imperialism (Heaton is American, after all) and launch a war against the United States. Either way, I think the US needs to give this guy the boot quickly before he starts a war on our behalf.