Earlier in the week, I thought to go ask Patrick if I could have a two-word-long Nunnsense article this week: Ann Coulter. After all, doesn’t it seem like that would be a fitting tribute to the woman who, last week, claimed that Americans’ growing interest in soccer is a “sign of the nation’s decay?” Seriously, though, I think we should thank this woman somehow, and, if putting her name in my little column is all I can do to show support, that’s what I’ll have to do. I mean, this woman has dedicated her life to making sure the American public is aware of each threat to them and their way of life, remaining steadfast through every political scandal or military engagement. And is it any surprise that the rest of the world is now trying to get at us through one of the only means left to them: organized sports? The rest of the world – as it turns out – has been cultivating a love for a sport that is so apparently un-American. Un-American, you ask.
What makes soccer un-American any more than baseball, basketball, or American football? Simple. We didn’t invent soccer! (Or did we…?) Who knows? All I can say is that, since it hasn’t been blasted over American airwaves steadily for the past two or three decades, it can’t be worth watching. And now that people are watching soccer, it must be that the rest of the world has tricked us by luring us into this “World Cup” in order to force us to show our superiority. The nerve! Of course we are superior to the rest of the world. Why do you think that we don’t invite teams from any other nations to take part in the MLB World Series each year? (Canada doesn’t count.)
It is because Americans invented baseball, and only Americans can be the best at playing the sport that they created… Cubans don’t count. Can you imagine what would happen if we engage in a struggle with other nations of the world – no matter the venue or forum – and lose? It would be a sign of weakness, a fissure that the world would only grab hold of and find a way to pull farther apart until we are no better than they are! Moral decay nothing! We’ve risked national security by sending a team to the World Cup. The downfall of the republic is sure to follow. And soon.