Porker with a forker. It must have shrunk in the wash! Ding dang! I can’t fit in my fancy dance outfit! Humm . . . Hold on y’all while I check my weight . . . Hells bells! I’ve like gained loads ‘O weight! Yikes! No wonder I have ham arms! This is war. Weight war. It’s back to my tried and true Weight Watchers basics: Writing down everything I dine upon! I’m talkin’ if I bite it, write it. Nibble it, scribble it and all that. Plus I’ve got to exercise every ding dang day! But, let’s keep this dietin’ program in perspective. I mean some folks can just get a bit too carried away. Like this lawsuit-lovin’ person who is suing Applebee’s over its Weight Watchers menu ‘cause the person’s precious tilapia had like 126 calories more than the menu stated. In Weight Watchers talk that’s like 1 point. Give me a ding dang break! Talk ‘bout makin’ a mountain out of a molehill! Instead of suin’, this person ought to spend time workin’ off that pent-up frustration at the gym and maybe a little weight at the same time. With all the ding dang problems in the world, spendin’ precious resources of time and money over something this dumb-as-a-doornail dim-witted just flat drives me batty. I hope the judicious judge throws this 50-point cow patty of a lawsuit right smack outta court. Honey, that’d make me as happy as a porker pig rollin’ in mud on Monday!

Ok y’all. Let’s get on with the buzz on biz!

Rich Buzz. Poor Buzz. There flat ain’t no ding dang tellin’! Dr. Doom (Roubini), the guy who predicted this whole spankin’ bankin’ mess of an economic downturn, says we might be headin’ for a U- or a W-shaped recovery which means Welcome to Roller Coaster City! But wait a doggone minute . . .  all this is speculative speculation!  Stop the presses! This calls for (now read the next line in a really loud and deep voice like a movie preview) THE OFFICIAL BIZ BUZZ ECONOMIC PREDICTION. Give me that flower! Pluck. The recession’s over. The recession’s not. The recession’s over. The recession’s not. The recession’s OVER! And, I’m OVER IT Y’ALL! That’s right! Let’s start gettin’ smack-dab happy! Hey and to be happy is to SHOP!

Midlife Crisis. Thief! Call 911! Stop that thief! Someone’s done stole my youth! I mean . . . I’m bein’ recruited for AARP! My fine lines have aged into deep trenches! Honey if it weren’t for Petals Salon located at 203 West Jefferson Street, my hairdo would resemble an ugly gray squirrel’s nest! HELP! I see a nightmare developin’! Un-cute sensible, orthopedic shoes! Tube socks! Thick, ugly eyeglasses! Dinner at 4:30 and bed at 9! Senior moments! Bird watchin’ instead of cosmos! Lord have mercy! It’s sad but true. I’m fixin’ to be 38 years old! SLAP! Ding dang it Momma! It was just a little white lie! Ok y’all . . . the fact is this: I’m fixin’ to be 48! Closer to 50 than 40 . . .  officially old . . . officially worn out . . . middle aged. What a drag. Hey!  Wait a dad blasted minute! The calculus of middle age is not all bad! The equation is oh so simple: Mid-life Crisis = Major Ridiculous Shoppin’ Spree! I knew there’d be a silver linin’ to this old storm cloud! I’m talkin’ a fancy dance sports car! Plastic surgery! New clothes! Travel to exotic destinations! Happy Midlife Birthday! I feel great! ALMOST YOUNG! Hey and y’all make sure my handsome husband buys me a fantastic gift to go along with a surprise family trip to the beach! Now that would be the best Birthday EVER IN A MILLION YEARS!

    Birthdays go better with blueberries! I’m talkin’ pick your own! Right so Rick Spence wanted me to tell all y’all that his blueberries are flat ready to pick so come on out to Spence Blueberries in Bostwick located at 2040 Hardeman Road and get you some! Check out the Spence Blueberries ad in this week’s paper for directions or give Rick a call at 706-614-4522!  Yum!

A Midsummer Night’s Bling. Whew! I’m flat pooped! Night y’all!

    WARNING TO READERS: You are leavin’ reality and enterin’ REM sleep in the realm of Biz Buzz dreams under the light of summer fireflies. I’d turn back if I were you.

. . . Dream away the time; and then the moon, like to a silver bow, new-bent in heaven, shall behold the night . . . Awake the pert and nimble spirit of mirth!

Momma! Hold onto your fishin’ pole! We gotta check out Lake Oconee Living’s Summer Edition before we go catfish fishin’! Honey, y’all are flat gonna flip cartwheels when you see Ricky Jones on the cover all dressed up in his Confederate Re-enactment outfit!  Ding dang! Momma, bring me a tissue ‘cause this story told by Amy Bell ‘bout Beach Boy Bruce Johnston and how he found his Morgan County family is a tear-jerker!   My favorite Southern story in this issue is the one on Turnwold Plantation in nearby Putnam County! Oh and I flat love the Southern vs. Yankee “War Between the Tastes” story! Y’all get out there and pick up your copy today ‘cause it’s chock full of great stuff! Or better yet . . . call 706-342-7440 and get you and your Momma a subscription to Lake Oconee Living ‘cause honey nothing promotes the Lake Oconee region better than this beautiful magazine!

Will you just look at that beautiful mornin’ sky! Not too hot. Not too windy. Just perfect! Oh Happy Day! Hap, Hap, Happy Day! Hey! Here comes the mail lady and she’s got a little somethin’ for me from Morgan County! Can’t wait! Let me just rip it open! But wait a minute! Who’s that? Momma! Come look! There’s Curly McLain from the hit musical Oklahoma in his cute little cowboy outfit just a trottin’ up East Washington Street on his horse! And, he’s singin’ that hit Rogers & Hammerstein tune: “Oh, what a beautiful mornin’, Oh what a beautiful day. I’ve got a beautiful feelin’ everything’s goin’ my way.” Now back to my little letter! What the? HEEEELLLLLLP MMEEEEEEEEE! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELPPPPPPP MMEEEEEEEEE! MY DADBLASTED PROPERTY TAXES HAVE BOLDLY GONE WHERE NONE HAVE GONE BEFORE:  THROUGH THE DING DANG DONG ROOF!

    Shasta! My screamin’ rampage spooked Curly’s horse and he’s just a buckin’ and a kickin’! Yikes! He’s done thrown Curly outta the saddle and flat on his bowhonkers onto East Washington Street! Momma! Call 911! 911! Oh and catch that horse before he gallops away so I can ride him flat up to the Morgan County Tax Assessor’s Office to log a formal this-flat-ain’t-right complaint!

    On to somethin’ a little more positive and that means  . . . winner Madisonian Scott Baldwin! That’s right y’all. Scott has all the luck! He’s done won The City of Madison’s Father’s Day Gift Basket promotion!

    Honey, his little girl entered him into the contest and he flat won! Way to go Scott and have fun spendin’ all those fantastic gift certificates from local downtown merchants!