Fatal Attraction. Give me that Karaoke microphone! Yeah! How are y’all doin’ tonight? Great! Ok for my first number I’m gonna channel some Marvin Gaye with a twist. Hit it! “Meeee annnnnnd Mister, Mister Loans. (Mister Loans Mister Loans Mister Loans). We got a thinnnnng going on. We both know that it’s wrong, but it’s much too strong to Let. It. Go. Now. We accrue interest everyday and now we can’t pay. It hurts so much. It hurts so much inside.” You got that right! Those ding dang banks made so many bad dadblasted loans that now honey they are stickin’ it to us in the form of big, fat overdraft fees and they’re flat feastin’ on billions as a result! Ok so the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp., says one in four banks really give you the shaft by waitin’ like a sneaky fox to submit the largest check in the batch first to deplete your account so that all those little bitty checks will reap big fat Fees! Fees! Fees! That slap makes me feel right sick! Talk ‘bout kickin’ a dog when he’s down! Let’s talk ‘bout something else to get our minds off cheatin’ and onto something positive! I know just the thing!
Come on y’all! I feel great! Flat happy! And, it’s such a pretty day! I say we skip, skip, skip like a kid on Sunday all the way into town! Let’s go! Whoa! Violent slowmo face-plant fall on sidewalk. Ding dang! Where am I and who knows me? What in the Sam Hill was I thinkin’ skippin’ like a fool with my fab three-inch platform sandals? Well don’t just stand there lookin’ at me like your elevator don’t go to the top floor! Help me up ‘cause I got places to go and people to see! Thanks . . . Whew! That fall nearly did me in! What the? Hell fire and damnation! My shoe’s slap blown apart! And, I just spent my hard-earned money on these fabulous sandals! Why I’m madder than a wet hen! Say what? In Madison? Well I reckon I’ll get glad in the same britches I got mad in ‘cause there’s a shoe repair service right smack here in Morgan County!
There is an old saying about death and taxes - that amid the swells of uncertainty in life, you can always count on those two. But with the concrete certainty of life's end, many fail to prepare for it adequately, if at all. Of all the necessary decisions in life, planning for its end is, perhaps, the least popular-the dented can of beans on the shelf of major life choices.
A 2007 study done by Harris Interactive found that 55 percent of American adults had no will of any kind. 59 percent have no healthcare directive, detailing what to do if they are incapacitated.
10 percent say they haven't planned just because they enjoy the blissful ignorance. Who wants to think about dying? Another 9 percent claim the too-overwhelmed defense, saying they just don't know where to start. 24 percent don't think they have enough assets to worry about in the first place; estate planning is for those who have estates - you know, of the guest houses and stabled-horses variety.
In truth, though, nearly all adults will need a will when they die, even if they aren't pulling down millions.
"What I've come to realize is that there ARE stages in life," says Mike Bracewell, Morgan County probate court judge. "As your situation in life changes, your needs change. You prepare for a child to be born, you need to prepare for that other end, too. It's just as much a part of the cycle as the beginning."
Bracewell has seen his share of unpreparedness during his tenure in probate court, from those who died without any instructions to the living who can't make their own decisions anymore.
"When the probate court comes in, it's often when there's nobody else," he said. "It's almost like the court of last resort."
Honk . . . Honk . . . Honk! Hey! One of you go out on the porch and see who in the Sam Hill is honkin’ their honky tonkin’ horn in my driveway! I’m just flat too busy with the Biz Buzz and my handsome husband’s gonna get mad as a hornet if I don’t finish up right quick! Say what? Did you just tell me my Momma’s got two Billy goats in the back of her gas guzzlin’ pickup truck? Lord. Have. Double-Mercy! Momma! What in Saint Peter’s Gospel are you gonna do with those ding dang goats? Now listen real close Momma. The wheel’s just a turnin’, but the hamster’s done died! Died I say! Have you lost your ever-livin’ mind? You can’t harness up them goats to a wagon and trot around town like a frolickin’ fool to save gas money? I’ve never heard of such! Just put those two Billy goats out in the backyard for a spell and let’s discuss this rationally over a piece of famous Buttermilk Pie at Yesterday’s Café in Rutledge! You drive!
Now watch out for that Rutledge train crossin’! Hummmm . . . I reckon the recession’s flat OVER ‘cause this is the longest doggone double-stacked-cargo train I have ever seen! Finally! Downtown Rutledge has never looked prettier! Park right here in front of Rutledge Hardware and let’s go get that pie! What the? Momma! Do you see what I see in that there window? Unless my eyes are foolin’ me silly, The Barn Raising, located at 118 Fairplay St., in downtown Rutledge, has done got you a goat wagon! Let’s pop in and visit with owner Pam Jones and see if we can’t get you a deal on that wagon!
Wow! The Firefly Festival last weekend was a smashin’ success! A bonafide blast! I feel a celebration dance approachin’! I’m talkin’ Soooouuuul Train! Lord have mercy! There’s the famous Don Cornelius to lead the way! Come on y’all! It’s Soul Train Dance Line time! Hit it with some Earth, Wind & Fire! Oh. My. Gosh! Here comes Momma down the dance line! Yikes! Momma! You’re gonna end up on the Front Page of the Citizen with that crazy dance move! Uh oh! It’s Madison Main Street Director Ann Huff! Wow Ann! Who knew you had the beat?! Whoa! It’s Madison City Manager David Nunn! Go David! Go David! Go David! Ok who’s next on the dance line? It’s none other than Rita Schaefer in her cool Firefly Festival costume made by Monica Culqui of Sartoria Monica located at 232 West Washington St., in Madison Markets! That’s the best outfit EVER Rita! You glow girl! What the? It’s Shandon Land and Monica Callahan movin’ to the groovin’! Ok y’all while they’re still dancin’ down the Soul Train line let’s get on with the Buzz on Biz!
By Colby Dunn | Infographic by Katie Davis