An evil creepiness floats like thick fog over Morgan County calling forth ghosts, vampires and witches from the dark recesses of nightmares. I’d turn to Sports if I were you.

Momma turn on the flashlight! We’ve got to find Bella the Cat! She’s been gone for days and PawPaw suspects foul play! Lord have mercy! Bella … come get a treat! “Meeowww.”  Stop the Presses! Did you hear that Momma? “Meeowwww!” It’s comin’ from that abandon house next door! Oh. My. Ever. Livin’. Gosh! There’s Bella pokin’ her cat head out of that broken window on the second floor! Momma, why are you knockin’ on the front door? Ain’t nobody in there! Creeeeeeek . . . . “How do you do? I’m your new neighbor Barnabus Collins. Won’t you come in while I get your cat?” Ding dang! This scary parlor has the atmospherics of a haunted mansion! Shhhh! Here comes Barnabus! Ding dang! Don’t look now but his reflection ain’t reflectin’ on the mirror like it’s supposed to and you know what that means? VAMPIRE! I’ll take that cat Barnabus! Let’s split this Vampire Scene Momma! We’ll come back on Halloween night with a crucifix, wooden steak, holy water and white lightnin’! That Barnabus is gonna be a goner!

And, speakin’ of Halloween . . . y’all get on your scary costume and head over to Antique Sweets located at 127 South Main Street in downtown Madison on Wednesday, Oct. 31 from   10 a.m. til 6 p.m. and get you a free huge marshmallow hand-dipped in yummy chocolate! But, you must have on a Halloween costume! That’s right! The scariest shop keepers IN THE WORLD will be dressed in their Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes handin’ out treats all ding dang day!! I ain’t kiddin’ y’all! Get over there next Wednesday! 

This column is rated PG13 by the Morgan County Citizen Association of America. Young children and elderly persons on heart medications CONSIDER YOURSEVELF WARNED: Due to extremely frightening content, this column will very likely result in horrendous nightmares, acute anxiety and heart burn.

Cue scary music. It’s 3 a.m. The Devil’s Hour at Momma’s Big house. . .

Shasta! I can’t sleep worth a ding dang dime! Come on Petey the Poodle . . . let’s go see if there’s a scary show on the TV! SHOOT FIRE! Nothin’ but static! That dad blasted thunderstorm has done . . . “Helppppp? Bizzzz (crackle, pit, pit, crackle) Buzzzzzz!”  What the? If I were not above-average sane, I’d say I just heard Momma’s voice comin’ out of the flat screen TV! Momma! Where in the Sam Hill are you? Whoa! Stop The Presses! Momma’s done been sucked into the TV by some connivin’ evil spirits! “Issss thattt youuuu in theee lightttt” No Momma! Stay. Away. From. The. Light! Repeat: Stay. The. Heck. Away. From. The Light! It’s that Ding Dang Devil in the light AND he’s actin’ like a possum pretendin’ to be all sweet as an Antique Sweets caramel chocolate apple but HE’S EVIL and MEAN AS A SPRAYED WASP!  I reckon I’d better call that psychic . . . Knock. Knock. Who’s there? “Lurch.” Lurch from the Adams Family? “You called?”  Well get your bowhonkers in here! And, why are you playin’ that Indian Spirit Flute from Artisan’s Alley located at 199 W. Jefferson St., in Madison? Oh My Ever Livin’ Gosh! I hear Momma flailin’ away in the bathtub! Lurch! You are a genius! Thanks! Now that Momma’s been saved lets go shop y’all!

Na NaNaNa, Na NaNaNa, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye! One more time! Na NaNaNa, Na NaNaNa, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbye! Howdy Doo Da Ding Dang Day! Y’all done missed it! Momma and I were just a dancin’ and a singin’ that tune all night long last Saturday at the Georgia vs. Tennessee game in Athens! That’s cause at the tailgate extravaganza we spiked mean ole Sassy Sista’s sweet tea with a big ole batch of Momma’s most powerful and stealth-like White Lightnin’! Lord Have Mercy! After she slapped that poor ole Tennessee fan, Sassy Sista was arrested for drunkenly and disorderly conduct! PawPaw had to drive on up to the drunk tank to fetch her! Talk ‘bout Bad ‘n Busted! I reckon she’ll stay outta our way for a spell anyhow! Now that’s what I call the Perf weekend!