Beware the Claw

Red Lobster beware; there’s a lobster thief on the loose! Charles Shumanis III was arrested for walking out of a supermarket in Allentown, Penn., with over $350  worth of “lobsters and meat.”
His reason: fueling an addiction that he hasn’t been able to get a handle on.
And, no, his addiction isn’t seafood-related. (Although, personally, I was really hoping to discover that cops had found a bona-fide lobster addict so I could, in turn, explain my unhealthy love of Chinese food.)
Apparently, this wasn’t the first time Shumanis III (a.k.a. “The Claw”) was suspected of crustacean theft.
On March 1, the Claw’s plot was discovered during one of his masterful heists, so he bounded for the parking lot and jumped into the first car he could find.
I guess all of the getaway drivers in Allentown are vegetarian.
In September, Shumanis, after pleading guilty to retail theft and robbery of a motor vehicle charges, explained that he was going to sell the lobsters on the street in order to fund his drug and alcohol habits.
Uh huh. Because I buy all of my quality meat and seafood from drug addicts.
On Monday, a judge in Lehigh County, Penn., “recommended” that Shumanis serve time in order to help him deal with his addiction problems.
Hmm. This judge must be of a new school of thought, which doesn’t actually sentence guilty convicts, but merely suggests that they might like a little time to sit in the corner and think about what they’ve done.
And, all the while, no one has bothered to consider the feelings of the lobsters, who were caught in the middle of the debacle.
After all, what other goods does one commonly buy from a grocery store still living?
I think we have found the next big scandal, comparable to sex trafficking rings – the kidnapping of living lobsters, to be sold on the street at cut-rate prices in order to fuel stupid-but-original drug addicts’ habits.
Someone should call PETA.

Printed in the November 8, 2012 edition